hibernation of spirit
Updated: Apr 9
In this piece (and others), I may use the name "GOD," but I hope you will insert any other name or names you wish. I honor and respect all religions, philosophical approaches, and belief systems that lift and support their followers and practitioners with love and dignity. I consider myself a constantly evolving, nonconforming Christian who folds practices from other faiths into her personal spiritual tradition.
My soul is in hibernation and I can't seem to wake her. I've walked a seeker's path for most of my doubt-riddled faith-life, striving to be closer to God. I've never felt I had a full relationship with my Creator, but I've usually felt good about working towards it. Unfortunately, the spiritual trail I pursue has become less visible over the past five years. Currently, I find it overgrown with distraction and apathy. The current events in my fifty-plus-year-old life pull my attention away from the spiritual lessons, signs, and messages I usually find in abundance.
Every time I set myself toward sacred thoughts, my mind wanders away.
I don't feel that I focus solely on the exterior - for example, the acquiring of more and more - but perhaps not folding my spirituality into the mid-life goals of paying for kids' college, socking away money for retirement, and shoring up my personal health is part of the problem. Do I doubt God is interested in these things? Yes. Why do I feel unworthy?
Others may be experiencing this kind of soul-inertia. Even though we are entering hopeful normalcy with the pandemic, we are still recovering from the stress and grief it caused. Plus, a potential world war combined with the constant barrage of hateful laws and policies oppressing and causing harm to humanity has us disgusted, tired, discouraged, and honestly, fearful. Usually - for me, at least - times of concern are times of connection to God. But today, when I try to have sacred conversations, even with myself, they evaporate.
I don't know if the apathy I feel is based in doubt. It might be. When we see an abundance of suffering, it's natural to wonder how God allows so many to be harmed - especially children. While I've become quite lazy in my spiritual growth, I have faith in grace (from God and person to person), so I keep practicing the prayer part of my journey. It is one spiritual thing that doesn't feel lost or false, even though I don't have a strong feeling that Anyone is listening. I pray every day for many people I know and for the great big, hurting world. I whisper thankfulness constantly, more loudly when I'm alone. I keep waiting for the return of the cosmic connection I used to feel.
Some things give me hope in regards to clearing my spiritual path. I don't memorize scripture, but somewhere along the way, Jesus told his Disciples they only needed faith as tiny as a mustard seed. A sense of grace between others must be at least as great as that? If my soul is merely hibernating, perhaps I need to let her rest. Maybe as the saying goes, I should let her sleep for when she wakes she will move mountains? I can only wish! In the meantime, I will keep praying, I will listen for any whisper of faith, and I will open my mind and heart to God's work for me. Most importantly, I will keep saying THANK YOU!